paint my colours

deep inside

drift away

Mutated Abomination

Am I My Illness?

I'm crying for no reason,

I'm exhausted,

I can't do this anymore.

Am I a virtual image?

Is this all a dream?

Wake me up!

I'm tired of living this nightmare

and being treated second class.

You praised me when I was well

now you persecute me for my illness.

Am I not that same person?

You told me we were family

and you treated me as a friend

but as soon as I reach out for help

you kick me into the slums.

My tears flow with every word I type

and you never see this part of me

because you're in your happy, healthy home

while I lay awake, stewing, thinking, rehashing

everything you said to me

and everything you did to me

and I'd be a liar if I told you I didn't hurt.

I want to be strong

but the tears keep me down.

I want to stand up for myself

but my brain pulls me into a corner.

So I cry and hold myself,

trembling,

I hold myself.

I feel worthless and useless

because I cannot be

the way I used to be;

but I didn't ask to be this way - 

I just am -

so please accept me

and cease my prosecution

#unapologetic pleasure

A Quiet Rebel Heart

my father said "to man up,

you're not a girl!"

what should I say or do

to a father who disapproves?

behaviours of a man

draped me in costume,

a convincing smile from a liar

resuming hibernation in my cocoon.

I shared my tears in words,

my angst in drawings,

desires under bed sheets at night,

and alone.

If today I could disappear

without falling apart,

I'd begin a revolution in solitude

and with a quiet rebel heart.

"Slap!" across the cheek

and caught wet-handed

for a sin I released;

a privilege never granted.

I wore such shame in my brain

of thoughts that sometimes haunt me.

"I'll stop," I tell myself

until the hunger consumes me.

I shared a virtual world

with strangers as friends.

my desires were their desires

too.

If today I could disappear

without falling apart,

I'd begin a revolution in solitude

and with a quiet rebel heart.

I cannot look back

with abandon or regret

'cause I've released the ghosts

and I'm free from my head.