Poetic Art: 2013

Tuesday 19 November 2013

mother dearest

I swallow another pill

chase it with gin

listening to you fill

my head

with condescension

judgment

and filth

cover me with the embrace

only a mother can give

with toxic grace

and insatiable pride

pretending

everything is alright

but deep into your core

you think of me

as less than

whole

do you picture me

in bed

with another man

would you prefer

I settle down

into your archaic plan

as I try to function

in my world

parallel

to yours

we laugh

we cry

but we never try

to meet on equal grounds

all the words I say

are mere obnoxious

sounds

you throw away

living in a fantasy world

that I will be

the son you dreamed

of me

but I'm not

and you're destroying

just love me

like a mother should love

accept and celebrate me

I will always be yours

but I will not change

your plans for me

must rearrange

unless you want to

lose me

to the fiery hell

you picture

the lives of others

just like me

one last kiss

before I fall into

the abyss

of this unforseen

destiny

that belongs to me

it will be fulfilled

with or without

your support

I need to move on

cause my life is caught

inbetween

my needs

and your wants

goodbye mother dearest

I hope life treats you well

I have to let go

farewell

Monday 18 November 2013

august 9 - a short story

The night sky slowly brightened as I began to pour myself a cup of coffee after a sleepless night. The smell of freshly brewed coffee is a daily pleasure of mine but today I didn't even notice it.

I dragged my feet to the bathroom but I couldn't bring myself to undress. I could feel my palms begin to sweat and my heart begin to race. I placed the cup of coffee on the bathroom counter, sat clothed on the toilet, and placed my head in my hands. I tried to breathe through it and tell myself that I can do this. I will do this. What's stopping me?

Mintues later I am on the laptop writing an email to work. I can't make it to work. I'm home sick. Send. As soon as I confirm the email is sent, I close the laptop and lay on the sofa in the dark. I check that my cellphone is turned off as I cover myself with a blanket. I continue to breathe through my racing heart and drift asleep until suddenly I'm jolted awake. My partner barrels into the room, turns on the light and begins to interrogate me. Why am I home? Why didn't I go to work? Why didn't I just push myself? I don't respond to him. I just want to cover my head with the blanket to drown out his voice and the piercing light. I want to sleep and forget about today but he continues his rampage. I don't pay attention and am oblivious to his words. I can only muster the energy to feel desperation prick its way through my veins, guilt swimming in my head, and tears swell up in my eyes. He finally leaves me alone. I listen for him to turn on the water in the shower. That's when I quickly find the bottle of gravol and take 8 pills. Soon enough I'll pass out and escape the better part of today. I begin to feel some sense of relief.

I don't remember when I fell asleep but I wake up feeling groggy and disoriented. Where am I? What day is it? What time is it? The room is dark but that's because it's the only room that has no window and someone turned off the light. I reach for the TV remote and power up the TV. In disbelief I notice it's evening. I slept all day and I still don't want to get up. I turn the TV off, cover my head with the blanket and close my eyes. This time I don't fall asleep but my mind races with so many thoughts. I missed work again today. What excuse will I make tomorrow? Cold? Flu? Strep throat? Will I be able to make it to work tomorrow? When will my partner be home from work? Will he interrogate me again? Will I be summoned to make dinner? And then my thoughts drift to my cellphone. I haven't picked it up all day. It's been on silent mode. I pick it up and notice I have ten missed calls and a long list of text messages. My heart begins to race again and the palm holding my phone begins to sweat. I place the phone face down. I don't want to deal with it just yet. I return to my earlier position with my head under the blanket and my eyes closed. Who could've called me? Was it work? My parents? Why so many text messages? Wouldn't I feel better if I check the messages? But I can't bring myself to do it. The tears begin to form again and I feel this tremendous amount of pressure against my chest. It's hard to breathe. I try to tell myself that I'm fine. I'll be ok. Just relax. It doesn't work. I get up and walk a little. I still feel groggy and nearly fall as I deal with a bout of dizziness. I slowly drag myself across the hall to the bedroom. I throw myself on the bed and cry into my pillow. I feel helpless, worthless, and sad. Is this all there is left to my life? Why am I still here? I have no purpose. I have no desire. I would like to fly away to another place and stay away from all this pain. My life would be better if everything was different, if I took myself away from everyone, and if everyone just left me alone.

I continue to wallow in my thoughts as I hear the door of the apartment open. He's home. I cringe. I don't want to deal with this right now. Where's my invisibility cloak? Is there a secret door I could run through and hide away? I begin to panic as I hear footsteps getting closer. Here he comes and I know he's armed with critical tips on helping me. If only he knew that he can't help me and that the best thing to do is just leave me alone and let me get through this. But as he walks into the bedroom, I can hear him undress and change into his comfy clothes. He doesn't say anything and leaves the room once he's changed. I feel a sigh of relief and try to drift back to my thoughts of getting away. Maybe it's time to take more gravol pills. If I take enough, will it kill me? Do I want to live? What's the point? I've exhausted my life.